


I hope you know I won't let go

by kategkateg (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2017, Angst, Chaptered, Confessing love, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, Feelings, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Home, London, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Realistic, Rejection, Swearing, Unrequited Love, dnp, fight, flood - Freeform, mild danger, neglecting feelings, new apartment, phanfic, soft, this is honestly a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-02-13 02:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12973614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kategkateg
Summary: Dan has series of breakdowns which ends in him leaving their home for more than a week. There are letter and breakfast left for Phil, a ton of questions with no answers and an opened door to Dan's room with a permission to do whatever Phil wants. What does it all mean and what will happen to their friendship after their friends leave their house after Christmas Eve party and Dan gets some courage to speak up? A chaptered story of things being soft in the end.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> to be honest, I'm not sure where this is going, just saying
> 
> update: this is bad

“Well, he is… not doing great,” said Dan’s therapist through the dynamic on Phil’s phone. “He’s not opening up. It’s not because he doesn’t want to, though, something’s just holding him back. He’s trying to talk to me but it seems like it’s not helpful enough. I’d suggest you pressure him so he could release everything but I’m not sure that it won’t lead to some bad repercussions.”

Phil just sighed at these words and hanged off after reassuring the doctor that he’ll try his best to help Dan.

***

Dan was sitting on their sofa in the living room, all curled up under the blanket as it was quite chilly in their flat these days. He was blankly staring at the TV screen, although there was his favourite episode of Stranger Things. Phil was standing nearby preparing their popcorn and Ribena for the night. All of a sudden, Phil somehow managed to drop a plastic cup on the floor. Dan immediately turned his head to check if everything’s alright and Phil just gave him an apologetic smile before putting the cup down on its place and coming over to Dan, settling their drinks and popcorn on the coffee table, so he could get comfortable.

When Phil was settling down, he sensed Dan go a bit tense and shift away just a little. Phil quietly sighed and placed their popcorn between them. It kind of became a routine for them – Phil would get some snacks for them to watch some show together and it always ended up with Dan going to his room mumbling “good night” with his voice that sounded cracked due to the lack of talking. It was so ridiculous that sometimes Phil would actually forget about the presence of his best friend as he was so quiet all the time.

It has started a bit over a month ago. Dan was getting progressively quiet and prickly while Phil couldn’t understand what was happening. He had tried to talk to Dan but it all ended up in the fighting which felt like the scariest thing ever. They were yelling at each other, not being able to find any compromise as Dan was refusing to talk about his behaviour. They’ve stopped arguing suddenly when they’ve realized what was going on. It was their first proper fight and neither of them wanted to experience that all over again, so they’ve dropped it.

It was a shocking surprise to him when he had received the first call from Dan’s therapist. Phil was enlisted as Dan’s closest relative and vice versa but he would never think that he would receive this type of call. The doctor was keeping him updated on Dan’s state and Phil was grateful for that, although it meant that Dan was in some horrible place mentally. He would refuse to tell anyone about what was going on in his head but Phil knew by heart that Dan was overthinking something and at some point, it went out of control.

They’ve finished their popcorn and Dan was beginning to fall asleep, so he got up and with his usual set of words headed towards his bedroom. Phil just looked at him go, finally considering to do something but firstly Dan really needs to have a rest.

***

When Phil walked in, it was strangely quiet. It’s not like Dan was especially noisy recently but it was that type of silence that made you feel concerned. It was around nine in the evening and Phil just came home from prolonged grocery shopping. He has been out for a few hours since they’ve almost run out of food and other necessities. Feeling uneasy, he placed all the bags on the kitchen counter and went to check up on Dan. Little did he know that the sight of his best friend’s room would leave him wordless.

When he stepped in after a brief knock on the door, the first thing that caught his eyes was shattered glass all over Dan’s bedroom floor. Amongst glass, there were pictures, souvenirs, candles, CDs and books laying down in a horrible mess. Phil’s eyes slowly began to look up when he saw Dan sitting in the middle of this disaster. His back was facing him and he didn’t move or make a sound. Phil would’ve thought that he was a statue if his shoulders wouldn’t go up and down from his messed up breathing.

Phil quietly stepped forward and landed beside Dan making sure not to sit on any of broken pieces. His friend remained still, so Phil tried to gently pet his shoulder. “Dan, hey, just breathe,” he said, trying not to trigger Dan with bringing up everything undisguised once again.

“Don’t touch me!” suddenly Dan snapped, slapping roughly Phil’s hand to remove it from his shoulder. “Dan, I don’t…” Phil started but he didn’t get to finish. “Shut up! Go away! I don’t want to see you!” Dan was yelling at him now, pushing him back into his arms and glaring at Phil with a mixture of anger and despair. “No, Dan, stop, what are you doing?!” Phil tried to tackle his best friend to calm him down but Dan wasn’t having any of it. He was having a breakdown and for some reason, he wasn’t letting Phil in his personal space. “Dan, Dan, shh, calm down,” he tried again but this time it definitely didn’t work as Dan’s knuckles heavily landed on Phil’s shoulder. “No! Get the fuck out of here! Leave!” Dan was shaking and trying to escape from Phil’s arms by hitting and biting him everywhere he could reach. Phil, however, knew better than to leave, so instead, he just tightened his embrace around Dan and patiently waited for him to get tired. Eventually, Dan wasn’t hitting him anymore. He was crying instead, gripping on Phil’s t-shirt. “Hey, hey, ‘s alright. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered into Dan’s ear, feeling his clothes turn soaking wet and drawing circles on Dan’s shoulder blade with his fingers. He felt Dan’s body going weak, so he forcefully lifted Dan up and led him to the second bedroom.  When they both approached Phil’s bed, he insisted on Dan lying down, covered his sobbing friend with a duvet and left the room to grab something comforting. When he entered his own room once again, he heard Dan’s sobbing getting out of hand, so he quickly walked towards the bed and laid down next to Dan facing him.  Phil lifted the duvet up and covered himself with it, shifting closer to Dan and wrapping Dan’s hands around his Totoro plushy.  Dan clenched to the toy and leaned closer to Phil, hiding his head between Phil’s neck and shoulder.

Phil silently wrapped his arms around Dan’s body and pulled him closer, waiting for him to cry everything out. When Dan was done, Phil asked him: “Do you want to tell me about it?”. Dan just shook his head and that was it, so Phil decided that it’d be better for his friend to just get some comfortable sleep. When Phil was about to drift off to sleep, he felt Dan’s weak fingers cling to his shirt. “Go to sleep,” he whispered, nudging Dan’s head with his nose. Dan just inhaled deeply in response and let his body relax, his hand still attached to Phil’s clothes.

The next morning they’ve had a meeting planned, so Phil was woken up by his alarm. Dan was sleeping next to him, so he managed to quickly turn off his phone so he wouldn’t wake Dan up. Phil somehow got up without disturbing Dan, grabbed his clothes and slipped out of his room, letting his friend have some rest because dragging him along to the meeting was possibly the worst idea right now. He walked to their kitchen, leaving the pile of clothes on a chair because he didn’t want it to get stained if he managed to spill some milk on himself. Phil almost poured the rest of Dan’s cereal in his bowl but he stopped himself, deciding that after a rough night he had, Dan would be glad to at least find his own cereal not finished by someone else.

The meeting went okay, they’ve established some new customer service policy and that was pretty much it. It was around one pm when Phil walked out of their office, so he wasn’t quite sure if Dan would be awake by the time he gets home. Phil decided to buy some groceries while he was out, so he headed to the nearest supermarket. When he was at the register, his eyes cough a familiar sight of a red wrapper, so he grabbed the pack of sweets and handed it to the cashier before she started printing out the recipe. Dan’s old branding may be far gone but his love for Maltesers was still present.

When Phil walked in, he found Dan sitting on the sofa, still in his pyjamas, wrapped in a duvet. Dan looked at bags in his hands and got up, following Phil to their kitchen in order to help him with sorting everything out. They were talking about the meeting, strategically avoiding the topic of Dan’sbehaviourr, when all of a sudden Dan stopped talking, starring at the bottom of the bag. He grabbed the pack and looked at it as he wasn’t sure if he was hallucinating or not. Then, he looked up at Phil and gave him a warm little smile. Phil just smiled back and suggested that they should watch TV as they had nothing to do anyway.

They’ve spent the whole day just laying on their sofa and watching shows that they’ve already seen. Phil was constantly glancing at Dan, noticing him grow more relaxed with each minute. It was a lazy day, so Phil was quite surprised when Dan said that he was tired and headed right towards his bedroom. Phil just assumed that his mind was still recovering from the breakdown, so he didn’t question it and opened his laptop to do some work instead. He kept working and just browsing until two am when he finally decided that it was time for him to go to bed. The house was quiet, so he assumed that Dan was long asleep. Without further ado, Phil walked inside of his room and crawled under the blanket feeling tidal waves of sleep already covering him from head to toe.

When he woke up, something didn’t feel quite right. It was almost midday and the awful silence was filling up their house. Phil thought that Dan may still be asleep or watching something in his room, so he stretched up and left his bed determined to brush his teeth and maybe take a shower. He was trying to be quiet, having no intention of waking Dan up, but still, he managed to stumble on his way to the kitchen due to his wet feet that he didn’t bother to dry off with his towel after taking a shower.

It was that moment when he understood that he didn’t need to be quiet because Dan wasn’t there. Instead of his friend, there was a metallic green envelope sitting on a counter next to the still warm cup of coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich. Phil was utterly surprised by the fact that the noise of Dan making breakfast didn’t wake him up but he realized that it wasn’t the thing that should concern him right now. He just stood there staring at the envelope as it was that horrific thing from the Harry Potter, not wanting to open it up. However, the thing needed to be done, so he took a sip of coffee and started to open it, registering the slight trembling in his hands. He didn’t realize he was panicking until he accidentally tore off a piece of envelope paper making it even more difficult to open.

_Hi Phil,_

_I bet you didn’t expect your morning (or should I say afternoon, as you’ll probably be asleep till 12) to start like this. The thing is, I left. Not for a long time though, just for a week. Don’t worry, I’m staying at Louise’s and before you start calling her – don’t. I promise you that I’m safe, so you should promise me that you won’t try to contact me for this week, or maybe for a little more prolonged period of time, I’m not sure. Of course, I’m not forbidding you calling Louise but you can’t talk or ask about me. Please._

_I can’t really explain why I’m running away just like that but I swear that I’ll be able eventually. Knowing your tendency to blame everything on yourself, I should say that it has nothing to do with you somehow messing anything up. Please don’t think that it’s your fault why I left, it’s not. My room is open, so you can do everything that you want. That’s my official permission. Investigate it. Maybe you’d be able to find any clues or answers, I don’t know._

_Heat up your breakfast, it’s probably cold by now._

_I miss you,_

_Dan_

Phil’s mind went blank for a good ten minutes. The letters were jumbling in front of his eyes, not letting him to form them into words. What did it all mean? What happened? Why wasn’t he allowed to contact Dan? Since he had no way to get his questions answered, he re-read the letter for a few times before putting it aside and placing his hands over his eyes and then ruffling his hair. What the fuck? He then continued to stare into the void until his eyes acknowledged a plate next to him. It was indeed cold after all this time but it looked nice and Phil could see that Dan has put an effort into making him breakfast. More surprisingly, it was his favourite recipe of grilled cheese that he had no idea Dan actually remembered. Everyone knew that Phil hated cheese but his mom knows how to make a perfect sandwich for him, so it was extremely nice of Dan to memorize the way of making it. It all made absolutely no sense.

Having nothing else to do and respecting Dan’s wishes, he put his sandwich in a microwave, a piece of paper still in his hands as he was re-reading it for the third time already. He started thinking about how Dan was getting progressively worse over the time. He stopped playing the piano, he started to sleep a lot and it seemed like his antidepressants had stopped working because he looked so pale and exhausted. Or maybe he just stopped taking his pills? Questions with no answers started to flood Phil’s mind making him more worried when he was distracted by a familiar beep of their microwave, so he stood up and grabbed the plate.

It was no surprise to Phil when he found himself actually going crazy about this whole situation. He was just sitting in their lounge and thinking, some comedian talking on the background from the turned on TV. He couldn’t do anything else even if he wanted to, his whole daily routine for the past nine years was containing Dan, Dan, _Dan_ , _**Dan**_ , and without such a massive part of his life being physically present, he didn’t know where to put himself.

Days were passing by and Phil was starting to lose hope for Dan getting back home anytime soon. Phil had called Louise, obviously, but he had only talked to her about her day and pregnancy. He was aching to ask about Dan but he decided against it, realizing that he would get his answers from Dan himself when it was the right time for that, although he had no idea when that would happen. He was bored and exhausted out of his mind, so he decided that nine days after Dan had left, he would go into his room and check if something would help him to understand what was going on.

When he was approaching the room, he was expecting to see a horrible mess left if not after Dan’s abrupt packing then after his another breakdown which, as Phil thought, might be the reason to why he had left. Instead of it, he was greeted by tidy room and a piece of paper carefully folded and placed on Dan’s desk. Phil picked it up and found only “look at this” in Dan’s handwriting.  Well, now this was getting close to going to one of those Escape Rooms but Phil was alone at his own house, not really escaping from anywhere, but still solving crazy puzzles. Look at what?

He gazed around himself and a photo of himself and Dan caught up his eyes. It was neatly placed on Dan’s drawer next to other pictures of them and a couple of pictures of Dan’s family and Collin. Phil smiled at that and walked closer, picking up the one where they were sitting on thrones made from ice. It was a recent picture so he was surprised to see it there, let along being printed out. He didn’t know that Dan liked having printed photos. He turned the frame over, not really expecting to see anything, but instead, he saw a little word written in the same handwriting that was placed right there when Dan was at that picture on the different side of this frame. “Cold”, that was it. It was obvious that it wasn’t the warmest place on earth, but Phil put this picture back and started to turn over other ones. The next two of them were ones of his family members and there was nothing written on them, but once he turned over the picture of them that was taken by his mom when they were visiting Lesters together not that long ago as well. He remembered how cold and windy it was up on that hill and he remembered Dan getting dirty, so he wasn’t at all expecting a little “warm” written on the back, the word being placed right where Dan’s chest was. Phil exhaled slowly, realizing that he’s been holding his breath. He started to turn every picture of them and he had already gathered “spiky”, “cotton candy”, “old tree” and a bunch of other weird words and combinations of them that Phil couldn’t quite figure out the meaning of, when he lifted up the last photo of them that was placed there. It was a really, really old picture of them, probably from 2009. They were standing next to each other with fireworks in their hands that weren’t close to the other person. When Phil turned over this one, he was taken aback because there was nothing written on the frame. Only a few seconds later, he realized that a small red line that he had originally considered being a weird flaw of the frame was a line that was made with ink. It had two tiny crescents on both ends. He turned it back and realized that this microscopic line was connecting their pinkies.

“Dan…” Phil said quietly, feeling as the edges of the frame were getting warmer in his hands. When they were younger, they used to say that they were connected by The Red Thread of Fate. Phil has remembered all the times when they were surrounded by their friends or families who were so astonished by their friendship and how they used to say the exact same thing, greening cheekily. Now he was literally feeling as something was wrapped around his finger, having the wave of longing for his best friend hit him like a tsunami. It’s been nine days and he missed him like crazy.

He put the photo aside and sat on Dan’s bed, sighing heavily. He had to wait for god knows how long before his friend returns back and it had him in a constant state of being sleepy, his mind and body trying to skip days as fast as it was possible. Feeling homesick in his own house was the worst thing ever, so he got up, pulled out and an old hoodie of Dan’s to put on over his shirt and climbed onto his bed, burying himself in pillows and all-too-familiar scent before falling asleep at nine in the evening.


	2. Chapter 2

When Phil woke up, he was feeling rather better than yesterday. Dan’s mattress was so soft and his pillows were so fluffy and it just was nice to be surrounded by his scent. He didn’t want to get out of his warm cocoon but his growling stomach had other plans. After stretching out and sighing loudly, Phil crawled out of the bed and went to the living room to grab his phone that he had left there the previous night. He didn’t have any new notifications while he was asleep, and it frustrated him. It was like waiting for a letter from the university that you aspired to go to, only it was Dan that you wanted to come back home. With that being said, Phil didn’t know which scenario was the worst one.

Their house was ridiculously cold at this time of the year and Phil felt a bunch of shivers run along his spine while he was making himself some coffee. He turned away to grab his mug and he was greeted by a cupboard door smashing his forehead. In these ten days that he had lived without Dan, he has gathered his awful habits that he wasn’t been really paying attention to before, and leaving cupboards open was one of them. Phil just closed the door and opened another one, carefully massaging his forehead. He grabbed his box of cereal and poured it into a bowl trying not to spill anything out. He didn’t dare to touch Dan’s cereal, even if his box was almost filled to the top.

Phil was sitting in silence chewing on his breakfast when he heard keys enter their door lock. He froze for a brief moment, and then dropped his spoon on the counter, letting some splashes of milk spot some tiles on the floor. He rushed to the front door as quick as possible, his heartbeat going crazy and his mind is fogged up with questions and the sense of great worry.

The door creeks almost indiscernibly and he sees Dan stepping inside. His shoulders were down, matching his head, and his form was looking rather fragile if you can say that about a very tall young man. It seemed like Dan still hadn’t acknowledged the presence of Phil, so when he flung himself onto Dan, wrapping him in a tight embrace, he heard a sound of scared inhale that his friend made. After two seconds, Dan wrapped his arms around his friend as well and landed his chin on Phil’s shoulder.

“I missed you,” Phil whispered quietly, not wanting to ruin a moment.

“Me too,” Dan said, letting go of Phil and stepping aside, and by the look in his eyes, Phil knew that he meant it.

Phil offered him his help in getting his bags back to his room, and when they’ve reached it, he suddenly remembered that he hadn’t made Dan’s bed in the morning, so now he had to warn him.

“Hey, Dan, I… I didn’t make your bed,” he said quietly, feeling utter embarrassment creeping down to his neck from his already red face. Dan just smiled softly and sadly at him.

He let Dan have some sleep and went to check on him around 1 am with a glass of water. He knocked lightly on the door, pushing it open and then closing it behind himself in order not to let any bright light inside of the room. It was quiet and pitch black there, so he tried his hardest to manoeuvre around and place the said glass on Dan’s nightstand.

“Good night,” he whispered, not even hoping for his friend to hear him, and left the room. He was still up at 2:47 am and it was the exact minute when he realized that Dan had finally cried himself to sleep, letting his last muffled sob.

***

It was well past afternoon, about three o’clock, and Phil was sitting in their gaming room playing Mario Kart by himself. He was in the cluster and it was hopeless, so he didn’t even finish the game. He put his controller down and sighed, rubbing his dry eyes underneath the glasses. He definitely needed some eye drops at this point but he couldn’t bring himself to order them deciding on the constant suffering over that.

Bored out of his mind, he decided to go and check if Dan was up. He didn’t hear him go out of his room and he probably should wake him up in order to keep him from sleeping for the entire day. While walking to Dan’s room, Phil thought that maybe he should insist on Dan telling him what was wrong. They haven’t talked about it yesterday and if it wasn’t the best idea to do so, he probably should try today. It’s not like he was being invasive, he was just sincerely concerned about his friend. With his mindset, Phil merely knocked on the door and pushed it open only to find Dan wrapped in his blanket. It was hard to breathe in Dan’s room because he’s got his heater in, so Phil carefully stepped inside and opened the window just enough for a bit of air to come inside and fresh things up. After that, he walked over to Dan’s bed and sat on the corner, gently patting Dan’s calves.

“Hey, Dan,” he whispered. “Wake up. It’s almost four o’clock,” he continued with his voice slightly louder. Dan shifted at his words and opened his eyes, looking at Phil sleepily.

“Idonwanna,” he muffled in his pillow, clearly not going to get up. “Can we have a pyjama day?”

“Dan, we have a pyjama day every day we don’t leave the house and can’t be bothered to change. You may want to take a shower and grab some food,” Phil said trying to get Dan awaken.

“I’ll go shower, you’ll go make me something to eat and we’ll lay down here doing nothing for the rest of the day?” Dan looked at Phil with his puppy eyes.

“Alright, Sleeping Beauty,” Phil chuckled. “As you asked so nicely to make you something to eat, don’t be surprised to find some hair from the Beast in your meal,” he said with a cheeky grin on his face.

“I didn’t know you were bolding,” Dan responded in the same manner, sleepiness slowly leaving him.

“Are you implying on me being the Beast?”

“Well, I mean, you definitely look like one,” Dan’s smile grew bigger on his own comment. It was their usual light-hearted teasing and they both have always enjoyed it.

“Rude,” Phil pouted, trying to look as offended as he could and to fight his grin at the same time.

“Just kidding, you always look good,” Dan said with a soft smile. After a few seconds, he realized what he has said and his cheeks became rosy, making him look down and bite his lip.

“Don’t remember Aurora saying that,” Phil winked at him and got up from the bed, leading towards the door. “Hurry up or I’ll eat my hair all by myself!” He added, laughing at the grossed out sound that Dan had just made, making him feel even more playful.

When Phil was making a couple of sandwiches for Dan, he realized that the tension between them for the past few months was forgotten and now they were joking around and teasing each other as usual. What had happened to Dan over this short period of time he’s been away? And then, suddenly Phil was blushing because it just hit him that Dan had said that he always looked good.   _Why would he say that?_

They’ve settled together on Dan’s bed, watching some episodes of their newly-beloved anime, occasionally interrupting on Dan’s Tumblr dash. They’ve had, indeed, spent the whole day lying in bed and now it was around one in the morning and they both were already bored with watching Star Wars, not really concentrating anymore and talking about some random stuff instead of paying attention to the film that had now become just a comforting background noise. Eventually, they fell into a comfortable silence and were just looking at each other, faces pressed into Dan’s pillows and eyes full of cosy tiredness.

Dan sighed and closed his eyes, shifting just a tad bit in order to switch his position. His hand was now slightly touching Phil’s shoulder as Dan was lying on his stomach. With one look at the friend next to him, he himself started to want to close his eyes and fall asleep. He definitely would if he didn’t come back to thinking about Dan’s break down and how he wanted to get if not all the answers then at least something reassuring to know that he was okay.

“Hey, Dan,” he whispered, not wanting to ruin this cocoon-like atmosphere of the room. In reply he heard nothing but a questioning hum, so he continued in the same quiet voice. “I really want to know if you’re okay,” he said, already regretting it and predicting that now Dan would get irritated. Instead, he only sighed once more and actually started talking to Phil’s surprise.

“I’m alright, really. I just felt overwhelmed with everything at once and tried to isolate myself to get some time for thinking. I only chose Louise because Darcy was a good distraction, that’s it. I haven’t really talked to Louise either. It was just a… a tough couple of months, I guess.”

“But why didn’t you talk to me?” Phil asked, his brows furrowing.

“I didn’t want you to worry. It turned out to be the other way around though.”

Phil just tucked the fallen string of Dan’s hair back to its initial place and wrapped his arm around his friend.

“I’m your best friend, Dan. I worry more when you’re not talking to me. You still remember what I’ve asked you to, right?”

“My concerns are your concerns,” Dan said with an almost non-existing nod.

“Exactly,” said Phil and closed his eyes.

_He hated it when Dan had something dark on his mind that he thought wasn’t worth bothering Phil with._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, this one is rather short
> 
> if anything, hit me up on tumblr (kategkateg), i promise i'm nice


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's short and it took me so long to update  
> Merry Christmas :)

December has always been a productive month for both of them in so many different ways. They would make a lot of gaming videos, clean their house, figure out things that needed to be done so they could feel that sweet and fresh entering of the next year and, of course, meet their families. This December they’ve already spent some joyous time with Martyn and Cornelia and they’ve had a little Christmas Eve party planned for them and their friends. However, they’ve finished filming gamingmas in advance and it was starting to become a little bit boring.

Phil left Dan’s bedroom right after his friend fell asleep the previous night, which meant that now he was up early due to not being surrounded by the dim atmosphere of Dan’s room. He rushed his fingers through his already messy fringe, trying to think of an appropriate outside activity for them to do before the actual holidays occur. Dan just got better after losing his voice, so spending too much time outside wouldn’t be the brightest one of his ideas. Still being in a process of brainstorming, Phil made his bed and floated out of his room, heading to the bathroom. On his way, he glanced out of the window and saw that there was a small amount of ice formed next to their balcony door and that was the moment when his decision was made.

Dan stumbled into the kitchen when Phil was making them both cereal and coffee. It was probably bad for their teeth, he thought, but they couldn’t even think about functioning without some caffeine first.

“Morning,” Dan said in a husky morning voice.

“Morning. Had a good sleep?”

“Mhm,” he answered, lifting himself up to be able to sit on the counter.

“I have an idea for today,” Phil said, putting the box back to its place, Dan closing the cupboard door after him. In the end, some things don’t really change.

“I’m certain that it was my cereal,” Dan lifted an eyebrow at Phil.

“So,” he just continued like the comment has never been made, “we should go ice skating. And before you protest,” he added quickly, seeing that Dan has already started to open his mouth, “it’s indoors. It wouldn’t be cold and your throat would be fine. Please?” he begged, looking over at Dan and automatically handing him his bowl of cereal, getting the cup of coffee in exchange before walking into the lounge together.

“You do remember that I can roller skate but I’m absolute rubbish at ice skating, right?”

“It’s not like I’m just going to push you to the ice and just leave there! I’ll help you. Come on, you know it will be fun,” Phil knew that he was good in persuasion, especially it was a case with Dan involved, so he already felt the taste of victory.

“Fine. But don’t expect me to crawl out of here before five pm.”

“Wasn’t even thinking,” Phil answered with a happy green, which caused Dan to make “that guy” face and then pick up their TV remote to find something acceptable for two giant nerds.

***

“Phil, I am actually terrified,” said Dan when they were approaching their destination. “I’m just going to fall and break something. And I’m not talking about any of the equipment.”

“I’ve told you that I’ll be next to you. It’s not that different from roller skating. Just instead of rollers, there are sharp blades,” Phil answered with a cheeky grin receiving a nudge from Dan in response.

“You are the worst,” he said, voice laced with a slightly noticeable worry.

“Dan, I swear on my life that you’ll be alright,” Phil smiled softly and reassuringly, abandoning his teasing. “You can hold onto me if something.”

“Right, let’s get to the skating before I chicken out,” his friend said with a sigh, following Phil to the entrance.

Dan was struggling already on his way to the actual ice, so Phil thought that it was going to be a lot of fun. Like, literally, no sarcasm intended. Who doesn’t love to snicker at their best friend? However, all jokes aside, Dan has managed to find his balance, so now he was standing on the ice, hands gripping the barrier. He was standing up straight, so Phil was patiently waiting for him to start moving in any way, not daring to be more than two feet away from him.

“You alright?” he asked, mentally preparing himself to get off the ice immediately.

“Yeah, just tasting the waters,” Dan said, actually starting to move along the barrier, his fingers still holding it. Phil giggled at his response. “What’s so funny?”

“You are literally testing the waters. Like, ice is a frozen water,” he smiled widely, clearly proud of his pun.

“I’d asked you to leave if I was sure that I’ll be able to survive here but not everything at once, so just know that I’m disappointed,” said Dan with an unimpressed look on his face.

“If you don’t start moving more I’ll be the disappointed one,” Phil stated in response, changing his position so now he was moving forward and facing Dan at the same time.

It didn’t take too long for Dan to start moving more confidently but he still was doing it with a help of the barrier. Eventually, he let go and Phil immediately offered his help but Dan declined, saying that he was a strong and independent cat lady who could deal with things on her own. Phil just laughed at this and kept their distance as non-existent as possible just in case. Things were great and Dan grew confident enough to raise his speed after thirty minutes of sticking to the slow one. Now they were further away from the safety barrier and Dan was relying on himself when they both saw a little girl approach them.

It was impossible for any of them to gradually speed down before they would crash into her. She ended up sliding right in front of them, centimetres dividing hers and Dan’s blades. And everything would be okay if Dan didn’t start to lose his balance, the consequence of him trying to dodge the child. Phil was a bit far away now, so he couldn’t just give him his hand. He saw Dan’s eyes grow wider in fear and his body lean to the hard surface of the ice and possibly some blades face front because there was a cluster of people around them. In a matter of seconds, Dan’s nose was pressed up against Phil’s chest with his arms wrapped around him.

“I thought I was going to die,” said Dan after they’ve found their balance.

“And I kept my promise,” Phil whispered, still holding Dan. He thought that it was one of the Christmas lights reflecting on Dan’s cheeks.

After that they’ve decided that it was appropriate to do something else, so now they were both looking at the Christmas fair in an attempt to find some food or some souvenirs that they could buy. It was merely past six and the whole street was crowded.  Staying close to each other during any kind of fair is really hard but they were trying. Walking shoulder to shoulder, they’ve reached a small tent with eggnog, hot chocolate and other Christmas-appropriate drinks and food if you consider gingerbreads and cookies food.

“Two hot chocolates with marshmallow, please,” Phil asked, handing some money to the guy in Santa hat.

“Sure thing!” he said joyfully, pouring their hot drinks into two paper cups and adding a lot of marshmallows and whipped cream. “Enjoy!”

“Thank you,” Phil smiled and grabbed their cups, walking away so he didn’t hold the line.

“You are treating me today,” Dan smiled, sipping some of his hot chocolate. It was rich-flavoured, definitely not the cheap one, thick and steaming, just how they both liked their festive drinks.

“It’s me saying ‘thank you’ for your company,” Phil returned his smile. They were now standing under the Christmas lights that were hanging low up their heads. This fair was really beautiful, Phil had to admit. Everything was beautifully decorated and he could sense the feeling of upcoming holiday. He took his phone out of his pocket and opened a frontal camera, setting focus on them. He had to take a good photo so maybe Dan could print it out, he thought. They both smiled and it wasn’t forced in the slightest. The photo came out really pretty, all the lights slightly out of focus behind their faces, noses and cheeks sporting a tender shade of scarlet.

“Can you call a cab?” Dan asked, his cup is already empty. “I’m cold.”

“Of course,” Phil said, opening his Uber app. He quickly typed all of the information before looking back at Dan to find him staring. “What?” he asked, and then all of a sudden Dan took a picture of him with a soft smile on his face.

“Nothing. Just beautiful,” he trailed off before starting to walk away from the spot that they’ve been standing in.

A few minutes later, with Dan’s head resting on his shoulder and _Baby it’s cold outside_ playing on the radio inside of the car, Phil realized that he wasn’t sure what _exactly_ was Dan talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you really want to read more as quickly as possible just comment or send me ask\message on Tumblr (not #selfpromo, i just need someone to kick my butt)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "U" is for "unrealistic", am I right?

Days went by flying and here they were, sitting next to their Christmas tree and wrapping some presents for their friends that were going to come over in a few hours. They’ve decorated their house and bought festive scented candles, so it was looking extremely nice and cosy. They decided against cooking food themselves because they were too lazy and still in their pyjamas, so they’ve ordered some pizza. It was the 23rd of December and they were having their early Christmas Eve party before everyone goes to visit their families. Dan and Phil, however, were staying together at home this year as they didn’t manage to buy tickets in time. Their parents weren’t happy about it but they were expecting their sons to visit in January.

Phil could notice that Dan became less talkative. It did bother him because depressive episodes still were possible for his friend, so he tried his best to cheer him up. They’ve played several board games that they haven’t played in a while and went to Starbucks because Phil was persuasive enough when it was about festive drinks. It worked out in the end as Dan seemed to really enjoy it. Apart from that, they’ve settled in their home eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate while waiting for Christmas to come.

Phil assumed that Dan has ordered his present online and that was the reason why he didn’t go outside except for their ice skating and the quick trip to the coffee shop. Phil, however, went particularly far with his present this year, so he had to go outside to get that selfie of them standing in the middle of the Christmas Fair printed. He didn’t expect much from Dan but he truly decided to treat his friend. This year was quite tough for him with rebranding and working on his depression especially hard.

It was when Dan went to take a shower when Phil found himself finally be able to wrap his present for Dan. Well, there were several. Even if Phil knew that his wrapping skills were quite horrible, he still tried to neatly wrap everything. He put the frame with their picture, just like a box of Nike shoes and a pair of gloves, in matte black wrapping paper and placed a silver bow on top of every present. With a sigh of satisfaction, he left his room and placed all the stuff under the tree. They were having friends over and they would exchange presents with them but they’ve decided to keep their presents to each other untouched until they were alone.

Dan got out of shower five minutes later and went to his room to get changed. It was almost 7 pm and their friends were going to come soon. Perfect timing is a thing, so before Dan walked out his bedroom Phil had already placed their pizzas on a table. Then he himself went to change, choosing black jeans and a maroon shirt, which made him suspicious about Dan’s influence on his taste in clothes. Phil was beginning to like simple things and this style suited him, to say the least.

It was half an hour later when everyone has finally arrived and they were all sitting in the living room playing Truth Bombs. Needless to say, it was a great game and a great company. The pizza has already started to disappear and smiles were carved in faces.

“Your house is so nice guys!” said Bryony who managed to visit them as well. “A lot of open space. Planning to get a dog?” everyone smiled at this remark. It was no secret that both Dan and Phil were obsessed with dogs.

“Not sure about the landlord,” Dan sighed, writing down his answer to the question about PJ.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about us, to be honest,” Phil laughed, passing his card to Dan. “Are we ready for a baby? I think we’d be awful parents.”

Everyone snickered at this except for Dan, who’s blushing wasn’t hidden from Phil’s eyes. Phil, however, didn’t think too much about it and continued with his ramble, only hoping that Dan didn’t get a fever, otherwise it’d be horrible to spend the whole party and following Christmas being sick.

An adult party isn’t an adult party without some alcohol, so soon everybody was tipsy and playing Truth or Dare but there were no dares because Dan, Phil and their friends weren’t having it.

“So, are you going to date someone? We know you for so long and I swear I think that your love life doesn’t exist,” said Sophie with a judging look on her face. The whole room mumbled in agreement and looked at Dan and Phil waiting for them to answer the question.

“Oh, of course I’m going to,” Phil smiled at Sophie. “I just need to find the right person. I mean, I know I’m amazing but still not everyone can deal with it,” he giggled, sipping his drink.

“Yeah. The right person,” said Dan before their friends sighed and continued to ask maybe little invasive questions, messing with each other.

The party went great. So great that Dan and Phil woke up at 5 pm the following day and immediately started to clean up the mess that they’ve decided to leave when they were in not so appropriate condition for cleaning. Good thing was that they were not in school or university, so everything was just messy but not dirty if you exclude dishes. After cleaning they did some work that needed to be done and it was around nine pm when they were both settled in their lounge watching Home Alone.

“We should bake,” Phil said all of a sudden, not even bothering looking at Dan.

“Alright,” Dan said with a serious expression, turning his head towards his friend.

“It was so easy that I’m suspicious,” Phil said with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey,” Dan nudged him. “I just really want some cookies,” he smiled softly, getting up from their couch and walking to the kitchen. “You coming?”

“Yeah.”

Their kitchen could remind some of a war zone. It wasn’t remotely as clean as it usually appears in their baking videos. Eggshell, spices, sprinkles, utensils were everywhere and flour was literally flying around.

“How could you!” exclaimed Dan after his black sweater was covered in flour, thanks to Phil.

He only got giggles as a response from his friend, so he put his hand into the exact same paper bag and then ruffled Phil’s hair which went partly white. Phil’s hand landed on Dan’s jeans and after that, they were both falling in the floor. Dan tackled Phil under himself and started littering flour stains all over his face, hair and sweater. He would stain his sweatpants too if he wasn’t sitting on his friend. Phil was only laughing and it was spreading onto Dan, so soon he found himself laughing too. To say the truth, he hasn’t been that annoyed, he just wanted to make Phil do some excessive laundry. Thanks to every single spirit existing, they’ve managed to finish baking cookies, even though their clothes now was in coloured spots after playful decoration.

“Ugh, cinnamon is always good in pastry,” said Phil, nibbling on a Christmas tree cookie. Dan just hummed in response because he was busy with chewing. “Hey, it’s already midnight. Do you reckon we could open our presents?” he asked, excitement filling his voice.

“But what about Santa? We should leave him milk and cookies and go to sleep, only then he would bring us our presents,” teased Dan with a smirk.

“Oh, we both know he doesn’t exist,” Phil huffed and got up, beginning to walk towards their tree.

“And you are the person who insisted on me clicking “Probably” on that question from Akinator,” said Dan and relocated himself too, sitting down beside Phil.

“Whatever. You open first.” Phil was watching Dan tear up the wrapping paper and smiled fondly at his friend’s eyes grow wide when he realized that there were actually three presents for him.

He was littering Phil in multiple “thank you” when he suddenly became silent. Phil was looking at his new lamp in a form of a plant, so he didn’t realize it at first. When he finally followed Dan’s gaze, he saw that he was looking at their picture. Phil was hoping that it would be a good present but his friend looked genuinely sad.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked softly with his brows furrowed. There was no response, so he tried again. “Dan?” Dan looked at his knees and Phil could see his fingers slightly trembling.

“I… No, it’s nothing. Thank you, I really like it,” he said with a forced smile that was impressively real but still, Phil wasn’t his best friend for no reason.

“Dan, what is wrong?” Dan chuckled at the word “wrong” and inhaled deeply.

"If I say it, you're going to throw me out of the house."

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm not. Just say what's wrong. Is it the reason why you left to leave at Louise's?" Phil didn't find it funny at all, he was concerned and it was weirding him out. Despite that, Dan laughed shortly, somehow looking even sadder. 

“I am in love with you. That’s what’s wrong.”

There was a silence thick like a cold honey and it wasn’t a comfortable one. Dan remained still, looking at his knees, when Phil finally managed to speak up.

“ _Why the fuck would you say that?_ ”


	5. Chapter 5

“ _Why the fuck would you say that?_ ” Phil asked, not bothering to be polite right now. “Oh my god, why the fuck would you say that…” He continued, brushing his hair with his fingers not looking at Dan. “You know what, I… I need some myself time. Sorry, sorry, I just need to think,” he trailed off, getting up and leaving the lounge with presents still lying under the tree. He didn’t hear it when Dan’s hyperventilating turned into broken sobs.

Phil was pacing around his bedroom, his brain working so fast that it could shut down at any moment. Why would he say that? How could this happen? Why didn’t he see that coming? As he thought about it, it appeared pretty obvious. Their pictures in Dan’s room, the lack of interaction that they both were used to, Dan’s constant blushing and will to get more distant. What’s going to happen with their branding? What’s going to happen with their friendship?

Phil’s own heart started to beat faster, which was a sign of growing panic. At that moment he decided that he could deal with this later, so he went to bed. His thoughts were still racing and on the very verge of falling asleep, there was one that didn’t cross his mind before like it was nothing. What’s going to happen to Dan?

***

When he walked out of his room the next day, Dan was nowhere to be seen. He checked their corridor and sighed with relief when he realized that Dan’s shoes were still there. Because his friend wasn’t present in front of him, he had some time to think. He decided that it’d be better to act like it has never happened and try not to change his behaviour around Dan. He himself always tells other people that you can’t control your heart and it was only right to go with his principals. Dan walked out of his room two hours later and froze like a deer in highlights when he saw Phil. It made Phil feel even more guilty, so he decided to apologize as soon as possible.

“Dan, I…” he couldn’t finish because he was interrupted by his friend.

“No, Phil, please don’t say anything. Let’s just forget what I’ve told you, alright? I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have,” he spoke quickly as if those words were too hot to hold them in his mouth.

“No, Dan, I’m…” Phil started to say but he was brushed off by Dan.

“Just… Please?” he asked with those sad puppy dog eyes that Phil could never resist. “I really want to get over it, can we just drop it?”

“If that’s what you want,” Phil said in that way that you usually talk to scared animals, following his words with a shrug.

“Thank you,” Dan sighed and trailed his hand over his face. “Alright. Want some cereal?” he asked in a cheerful voice. Phil has already opened his mouth to say “Dan” but was stopped by his gaze.

“Yeah, coffee on me then,” he said instead, getting up and following Dan to their kitchen.

It was a nightmare. Phil was aware of every single touch they accidentally shared and it made him tense every time. All he could think about was Dan’s stupid confession and it was driving him crazy. When finally their breakfast was made, they went to the lounge and sat on the sofa. Phil couldn’t help but notice that now Dan was sitting a bit too far away from him. He also couldn’t help but be thankful for it.

When they’ve finished their bowls, Phil’s gaze drifted to the tree and to the pile of unwrapped but still lying there presents. He got up and grabbed his ones, including his present from Dan and other ones from his parents and family.

“Thanks for the lamp, Dan. I really like it,” he said to Dan who was cleaning up their coffee table from some spilt milk.

“Oh, you’re welcome,” he looked at him over his shoulder and smiled before continuing to clean up the mess.

Phil walked into his room and closed the door. He placed the lamp on the bedside table and plagued it in. Some warm clothes from his parents went to the closet, a game set that was Martyn and Cornelia’s present he put on a shelf. Then he sighed and sat down on his bed, holding his head with his hands. It didn’t feel right. He could _feel_ the tension in the air and the problematic part was that he was the one making it. He just couldn’t act normally yet. Everything seemed weird and he was overthinking every single Dan’s motion. Didn’t make things any easier the fact that he knew it wasn’t Dan’s fault. He couldn’t imagine how brave he had to be to say it out loud but still, something inside of him was making him act like Dan was carrying some sort of a decease or like he’d get a horrible allergic reaction just if he touches him.

There was another reason for Phil to be angry. Thing is, when they were younger, they’ve made a pact  - not to fall for each other under any circumstances. It was their way to protect their friendship and now he found out that Dan didn’t stick to his promise, putting everything under a huge risk. It would be easier if they didn’t have a joint branding. God knows where they were going to get after those words but they couldn’t afford everything to fall apart. Phil hated the way he was analyzing things but it was a harsh reality of their lives.

Phil thought that it was probably better to stop thinking for once and just go with a flow, somehow trying to get everything back. He continued to go through his presents and he realized that he needed some batteries for one glowing figure of a cactus. It seemed like everyone was fed up with his inability to look after his plants so they’ve decided to go with fake ones instead. Well, no complaining from Phil. He looked through his drawer in an attempt to find some batteries but they were none, so he decided to borrow them from Dan.

“Dan, I’m coming in,” he said, holding his brand new figure to show Dan along with asking for things that he needed. He opened the door after a brief knocking, but Dan wasn’t there. He also felt like something was off. It took him a good minute to realize what was missing. There were no pictures. Not a single one. Phil looked around because he thought that his friend just decided to put them in different places. Still, the room was lacking photos. He looked down to make sure that there was no broken glass and when he saw that there wasn’t any, he felt a wave of relief because at least they weren’t broken. Phil would like to think so, as there was still a possibility that they all were shuttered and Dan just cleaned up afterwards. He didn’t want to touch Dan’s things without his permission, so he went back to the lounge only to find that Dan wasn’t there either. Then he finally remembered that he had an appointment today, so he decided to send him a text.

To: Dan

[Hey, I need some batteries. Do you have them?]

He got his reply not longer than one minute after when he settled on the couch and started to load Mario Kart.

From: Dan

[I have some in my bedside drawer]

[it’s messy though, good luck in finding them]

To: Dan

[thanks]

He got up and went back to Dan’s room, sitting on his bed and opening his drawer. Dan was right, it was messy. There was a new pair of socks, a tooth brush, some pills that make you sleep better. Finally, after going through a layer of wires, he found a new pack of six batteries and pulled them out. His eyes caught up on something black. He pushed things around it a bit so he could read the letters that were on top of an envelope. ‘Phil’, they said.

Phil’s breathing instantly became more rapid and his hand was about to pull the thing out when he stopped himself. He really didn’t want to know what was inside of it. Perhaps he needed to, but he definitely didn’t want to. Not now. Maybe not ever.

***

Dan came back four hours later. He greeted Phil and asked if he had managed to find those batteries, getting in response a joke situated around it being like a Room of Requirement, only smaller. Phil was in the kitchen doing dishes when Dan approached him with a towel and started to dry them off.

“How was your therapy?” Phil asked, handing Dan a bowl that they usually used for popcorn. There was no proper answer from Dan, just a shrug, so Phil insisted. “Dan, you’re scaring me.”

“Well, I have some news,” he trailed off as if being unsure whether to tell them or not.

“What is it?” Phil asked with a little worry, sensing Dan’s unwillingness to share them.

“She said that I have an anxiety,” Dan said quietly, continuing to dry one single plate over and over again even if there was no moisture left.

“Oh, Dan. Are you alright? How bad is it?” Phil stopped washing, now looking directly at his friend.

“She said that it’s actually pretty bad. Like, I’m rather fine at home but…” Phil felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. He could’ve made it worse with his reaction yesterday. There was a pause when they were thinking about it.

“Okay. Wanna have a movie night?” Phil asked, finishing up his duty.

“Sure,” Dan smiled in response with a tray of sadness affecting it and Phil couldn’t stop thinking that Dan was disappointed in him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi to everyone who's reading this! I just want to say that I have my uni exams and stuff for the whole January so I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter, sorry.

The days went by and everything seemed quite alright, considering the fact that Phil was trying his best to act normal around Dan. If you think about it, nothing has changed. They still interacted in the exact same way, or they would do that if not for Phil. He started to overthink everything: every moment that they’ve spent in the same room, the space between them and Dan’s words. It was a nightmare for both of them because Phil’s brain was working at a crazy speed and Dan was sensing these negative emotions that were unintentionally coming from Phil. The ridiculous part was Phil’s excessive attention towards their pronouns.

They were on Skype with a lady from YouTube Space because they had to arrange a meeting.

“So, will you guys be able to come? It’s an hour long thing and we could change the time if 5 pm is inconvenient for you,” a voice came from Phil’s laptop dynamics.

“Yeah,” Dan started, “I think we…” but he didn’t get a chance to finish.

“ _Dan and I_ will be there, don’t worry. See you tomorrow,” Phil purposefully cut Dan off when he used the word “we” which made the lady raise one of her eyebrows while Dan just looked down at his laps. It was clear that Phil was avoiding this word like it was poisonous.

“Alright, see you then,” and their call was over.

Phil shut his laptop and got up, about to walk away to his room.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Dan asked remaining still on the sofa.

“Not really, I’d rather work on my next video now,” Phil smiled in response and walked away leaving Dan to himself.

Once he was out of reach, he allowed himself a sigh of relief. He didn’t need to do anything, it was just an excuse that he managed to come up with.  He was trying so hard to seem normal in order not to make things worse and the only way he could think of doing so was to spend as little time with Dan as he could. They were basically playing hide and seek with established roles.

Two hours later Phil was in his bed with a laptop opened when Dan knocked on the door.

“Yeah?” Phil asked tensely, hoping that it was nothing serious.

“Do you want to watch some anime?” Dan asked, his head popping up into the bedroom.

“No, still busy,” he trailed off focusing on his screen when his stomach made a loud sound.

“Are you hungry now? I could make some pasta”

“No, Dan,” he didn’t bother to look up.

“Alright,” Dan whispered before closing the door.

Phil waited for a few seconds before he made a groan of frustration. He rubbed his face and stared at the door in front of him. This whole thing was getting out of hand and he needed to do something with it. Deep inside he knew that he was hurting Dan but he just couldn’t help it.

Never in his life has he ever imagined himself doing what he was about to do. His eyes travelled back to the screen and to the home page of Google. He clicked on it and after a quick moment of thinking typed in a question.

“What do you do if your best friend fell in love with you?”

Clicking on the first link led him to some article which wasn’t really helpful. It said that he shouldn’t ignore him if he wanted to stay friends and other obvious things. He opens up another page and this time it’s just a post that some girl made on a forum. Phil almost clicked away but his eyes caught a glimpse of a sentence near the end of the text. “ _You can think that you don’t feel the same way because you’re just shocked but then you can realize that you’re wrong once you’ve calmed down._ ”

“No,” he said out loud after blankly staring at the screen for a good minute. He thought that it wasn’t his case and closed the page spending 20 more minutes browsing before leaving the room and getting himself together enough to ask Dan if he preferred pizza to pasta.

An hour later Phil found himself sitting on a sofa and waiting for the delivery while Dan was showering. He was just scrolling through twitter on his phone when he heard their bathroom door slam open and something heavy met tiles a moment after.

“Dan, are you okay?” he asked loudly enough for his flatmate to hear. He didn’t get anything in response so he quickly got up and rushed towards their bathroom to make sure everything was okay.

He was greeted by the sight of collapsed on the floor Dan, his body growing a bit bigger and then smaller in a rhythm of his heavy panting. Phil got down on his knees and brushed Dan’s fringe away so his forehead was touching the tile.

“Do you need me to bring you some water?” he asked, breathing on Dan’s spine to calm his body down. He got overheated, the same thing had happened about a month ago so Phil knew what to do. After receiving a weak nod, he went to the kitchen and got back with a glass of ice-cold water.

Phil placed the glass next to Dan and bent over to put up their toilet seat because Dan could possibly throw up according to his own words. He didn’t do it the previous time but it was better to be prepared. When he locked his eyes on Dan’s figure, his friend was shaking, so he tried to help him with sitting down. He lifted his torso up and placed it against the wall in order to cool his body down even more.

Dan’s eyes were closed because he was dizzy, so Phil took the glass and placed it in his friend’s hands. It didn’t work because his hands were trembling, so he warned Dan that he was going to help him and then placed the water in front of his mouth before slightly bending it so the liquid could slip out of the glass.

“You good?” Phil asked after a couple of minutes.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dan sighed and opened up his eyes, his vision less blurry.

Phil helped him up and left the bathroom letting Dan finish his shower. He sat back down on the sofa and continued to mess with his phone. He was scrolling through his Tumblr tag and liking some fan art when he stumbled across Dan’s digital painting in realism. It was a picture of him wearing a towel with following close-ups of detailed colouring. Phil thought that the skin wasn’t exactly the same. And Dan had a tiny triangle of freckles on his right shoulder. His skin was just as smooth though, so overall Phil would give this painting an A. He almost hit the like button before he realized what he was thinking about. However, before he could process that, the doorbell rang so he went to get the door.

Their movie night went good and Dan felt better than before so Phil wasn’t concerned about him eating pizza. The still was a hint of awkwardness which Phil was desperately trying to kill and succeeding in it. They were sitting much closer tonight and maybe it was because he got scared of Dan’s incident, Phil didn’t know but he felt less disgusted and weirded out. The realization that everything was exactly the same between the two of them may have helped as well, so he just decided to forget about the confession like it never happened in the first place. It wasn’t that hard because they both were acting just like that.

The night went uneventful and they both went to sleep around 8 am after binge-watching several movies in a row. With that being said, they both woke up too late to have some additional time before heading off to their meeting. The streets were especially crowded today for some reason. They had no idea why at first but lately they’ve realized that it was due to the masquerade that filled up the centre of London. They’ve tried to reach their destination as fast as they could and with a bit of struggle, they’ve managed to do so.

The meeting was quite boring, just an annual thing when they would talk about their carriers and achievements. It was just an hour long thing, as it was initially established, so they found themselves on a busy street at half-past six.

Needless to say, they both loved this festive season, so they stood outside of the building for a couple of minutes just admiring all the decorations. Surely, they’ve seen some stuff before but at this part of the city it all was entirely different.

“Fancy some walk? I’m quite intrigued by this masquerade,” Phil looked at Dan with no intention of going back home right now.

“Sure thing,” he smiled in response and they both headed towards the crowd to see a man dressed up like Santa Claus doing some tricks.

The crowd formed a circle which Dan and Phil found surprisingly round. The man in front of them was performing at the moment and in a few seconds, a little girl that was his temporary assistant was presented with a candy that Santa fished right out of one of her braids. The crowd applauded and became quiet, waiting for the next part.

“And now I need another assistant,” a deep voice emerged from the man’s beard. He spun around himself, eyeing the crowd before he abruptly stopped and pointed somewhere suspiciously close to Dan and Phil. “You, young gentleman. Would you be so kind to help me a tad bit?” he asked in a playful voice that’s usually being used by your grandpa when he finds something entertaining for both of you to do.

“Go,” Phil whispered to him and slightly pushed his friend forward.

Dan walked inside the circle and immediately locked his eyes with Phil’s, representing every deer in headlights. Phil just chuckled and nodded reassuringly before Dan’s participation took place. The trick was indeed simple, it ended up in Dan finding a pound with a golden ribbon in one of his pockets before the man let him go.

“Good job, Mr Assistant,” Phil smirked at him when Dan took his place beside him.

“Can we go?” he asked, not lifting his head up but loud enough for Phil to hear.

“Do you really want to? I thought it was fun,” Phil said in a puzzled voice.

“Please,” Dan repeated himself and Phil looked down at his hands. They were trembling, which wasn’t a good sign. He looked around and found several people staring and pointing out at Dan loudly discussing how awkward he was when he got pulled out of the crowd.

“Are you feeling anxious?” he asked realizing that it would make clear if he could ask Dan about getting some coffee or not. There was a quick nod and then a sigh from Phil.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled furrowing his brows just a little and starting breathing heavily and faster.

“Hey, that’s alright,” Phil smiled at him, taking one of his friend’s trembling hands in his own before Dan’s whole body started to shake. He remembered that when Dan used to have panic attacks he would concentrate better if someone was touching him. “Calm down, I’ll get us out,” he added rubbing his thumb across Dan’s hand.

_And if there was a certain burning sensation that couldn’t be mistaken for any sort of discomfort in his hand, Phil preferred not to think about it, leading them both towards the nearest cab._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not familiar with a concept of schedule (not really but still), so while waiting for the next chapter you could probably check out my phan one-shot which is short and fluffy (and may not be proof-read) here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11576250


	7. Chapter 7

The ride home was pleasantly quiet. Dan was on his phone, so Phil had nothing better to do than stare out of the window. He didn’t mind – it felt like he was in some scene from a really beautiful movie when characters were driving through the city filled with fairy lights. It was warm outside, much warmer than it’s always been up north and Phil really missed snow. Surely they had some snow in London but it was nothing comparing to his childhood. Phil sighed deeply when he realized that his parents have moved to the Isle of Man which meant that he was cut out from the possibility of goofing around in a white icy mass.

He was remembering his previous winters when his mind brought up an image of Dan jumping down from the roof right in the huge pile of snow underneath him. He giggled remembering how Dan immediately started complaining about it getting in his underwear.

“What’s funny?” Dan asked bringing him back to earth.

“Oh, nothing. I just remembered how you’ve got your underwear full of snow after jumping from the roof a couple of years ago,” he smirked in response, still remembering that uncomfortable whining as if he just heard it.

“Good times,” Dan said with a nostalgic curve to his lips. He didn’t say anything more seeming to fall into his own thoughts.

Phil returned to looking outside and started unconsciously rubbing his thumb against the leather of the car. It was nice and soft, he thought. _Dan needs a new chair, maybe we could get it in real leather_. He stopped himself at this thought and felt a weight being put down on his shoulders. They still need to talk, they really do. Phil thought that they both were being unfair to Dan at this point. Eventually, they both got out of the cab and Phil made his mind about talking to Dan later this evening whether he liked it or not.

Dan suggested that he would make some fajitas so Phil could finish editing their new gaming video. It was rather quick since it was just The Sims and he quickly found himself with his headphones on watching some YouTube videos. It was until he heard a loud noise from what he supposed to be their kitchen. He pulled out his headphones to ask Dan if everything was okay but the moment he did it he realized that there was no point in asking.

The sound coming from the kitchen was similar to the sound of the ceiling falling down. It was as loud as thunder and Phil couldn’t hear anything else but he was almost certain that Dan was _actually_ screaming. Phil rushed out of his room to come and check on Dan but when he reached their living room he couldn’t see anything. At first, he thought that it was smoke but one touch was enough to realize that it was steam. Burning hot steam leaking into from the kitchen.

“Dan!” he shirked trying to come closer to the kitchen. It was almost impossible because the wall of steam was so thick that he couldn’t see further than thirty centimetres. “Dan, are you alright?” he tried again. The noise was deafening and he couldn’t understand what was happening.

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed, appearing at the spot that still was remotely visible and moving his arms rapidly so Phil could see him. “There is steam coming from the bottom of the sink!” he yelled, panic tracing every single one of his words.

“What the fuck are you doing? Get out of here!” Phil shouted back furiously waving his arms around so he could see Dan. Even the figure of Dan soon disappeared so Phil tried to go further but was abruptly stopped by the burning sensation from his skin contacting with the steam.

“There is water everywhere! I can’t get out, I’m trapped! Please, do something!” Dan’s voice was getting gradually higher and Phil could tell that he was utterly terrified. “Call someone! I can’t see anything!” Dan cried out before starting coughing. The last thing Phil heard from the kitchen despite the awful noise was Dan’s “Ouch!” when he probably met the steam.

Phil sprinted to the living room to grab torch and Dan’s slippers so he could get out. When he returned, he heard the sound of Dan suffocating and coughing, desperately trying to grab some air but failing miserably.

“Dan! Bend down! Lay on the ground!” he yelled while calling the emergency number. He was so glad that he remembered all the stuff that he was taught about extreme situations. “Cover your mouth and nose with fabric!”

He didn’t hear any more coughing, just struggling but still present heavy breathing. He quickly explained the situation, stuttering due to his panic. He hung up and turned the torch on. It wasn’t helping too much but it was something. Dan was still out of sight but Phil remembered where he was. He lowered the torch to look down and drove in a sharp breath. There was water everywhere and it was four centimetres deep. There was no way he would be able to get Dan without completely boiling his feet. Phil figured that Dan was crumbled up on a chair, which meant that soon he won’t be able to balance himself on it and Phil better should do something immediately. He almost put on Dan’s slippers before heading there to carry him out when one little screw fell off from the bottom of the torch and lit up with sparkles once it reached the surface of hot water.

It was the moment when Phil realized that it was not only steamy but also dark in the kitchen. The power went off because the water was electrolyzed. Their chairs were metal starting from ten centimetres above the ground so they couldn’t damage the tiles. He froze and felt his heart go flying down from his chest to the bottom of his feet in less than one second.

“Phil,” he heard Dan’s voice approach him through the loud banging one before he started to cough.

Phil’s mind was racing. He knew that the level of water couldn’t go any higher because their kitchen was levelled down and soon it would start to spill out. The problem was that even if it didn’t go up to the ten, it could reach the metal of the chair because of the wave that could happen if the flow got even more intense. It could also happen if Phil steps inside too late, so he had to do something _right now_ but he had no idea how to avoid stepping into the literal pool of death. Then he remembered that they’ve had rain boots back in one of the storage rooms that they’ve been planning to use for a video but never did.

Sprinting as fast as he could, he reached the room and threw the door open. The boots were right on beside the door so he grabbed them and rushed back.  Phil put the boots on and pointed the torch in Dan’s direction before stepping into the water.

“Fuck!” he exclaimed when his feet got surrounded by water. He was sure that it gave him a burn but right now he wouldn’t care if his skin started to slide off. “Dan!” he called, not being able to see anything and having troubles breathing, Dan’s name followed by coughs. He heard a moaning near him and started to carefully walk towards it until he was able to see Dan’s form with his head tucked between his knees in an attempt to cover himself from the steam. Phil has never been so glad before that he was wearing his contacts.

He grabbed Dan’s arm and pulled it up, trying to say that he needed him to stand up. Dan understood the movement and tried to do so but as soon as he unfolded himself and towered himself above Phil’s head, he began to lose consciousness. Phil quickly pulled him into his arms and lifted his limp body. It became absolutely impossible to breathe, so Phil gathered up and started to walk towards the living room with his vision already getting blurry. The fact that Dan wasn’t conscious only made things words because it was harder to carry a limp body.

As soon as he stepped out of the kitchen, Phil put Dan on the floor and fell on his knees beside him in attempt to catch his breath. A quick glance back reminded him of the level of water that was about to spill, so he got up and started pulling Dan by his arms until they both didn’t reach the opposite wall. Phil put Dan against the surface and sat down beside him with no force left to carry them upstairs. He had started calculated how much time would it take for the water to reach them when the sound suddenly started to quiet down. He got a call right then and was informed that the pipe in the basement of their entire house was closed. Phil hung up and sat with his back to the wall, his heartbeat going crazy. Dan started to cough seconds later, spitting his lungs out until he was able to breathe again.

They didn’t say anything until the steam became less intense. Phil assumed that Dan had opened the window until everything went horribly.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Phil asked, voice lifeless, not looking at Dan. “Why the fuck didn’t you get out of there as soon as possible?”

There was a pause which made Phil think that maybe Dan’s hearing got damaged from all the heat. His senses were slowly coming back and he felt a stinging pain in his feet which were definitely burned.

“I was saving your houseplants,” Dan said timidly. Phil looked at the coffee and noticed a few pots standing there. He really though in that moment that his eyeballs would fall out. They sat in silence for a minute before he rushed his trembling hands through his hair and placed his face on his bent knees.

“You are such an idiot.” _His friend could have died because of some stupid houseplants._ He couldn’t help but imagine the water touching the metal of the chair Dan was balancing himself on, his body lighting up with a deadly shaded blue, almost unnoticeable, and then falling right into the boiling hot, steaming water. He has seen a few pictures of people who survived the strike of lighting, their body parts completely black and that whole vision made his hands tremble vigorously.

“It was my first instinct. You love them; I thought you would get really upset if something happened to them.”

They both went silent when Phil was trying to calm down his shaking breathing. _Dan falling into the water. Electrocuted Dan falling into the hot water._ It took several minutes for Phil to steady his breath, blood pulsating inside of his ears alongside with his heart that was still going crazy.

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered. When Phil looked at him he saw that he was tearing up if not actually crying, it was hard to tell because of the sweat running down their faces. Phil assumed that the realization just hit him because he could see genuine fear in his eyes, so he turned towards Dan and hugged him tightly.

“Don’t ever scare me like that,” Phil murmured into Dan’s shoulder before Dan clenched his shirt in his weak fist and started quietly sobbing with shock.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my description and tags are one giant mess  
> [Tumblr](http://kategkateg.tumblr.com/) (i'm nice)

The following two days were filled with a lot of explaining and having strangers over in their house trying to fix the pipe. Apparently, the loud noise was happening because the pipe got disconnected with the tap and was flying around underneath the sink. They’ve been told that they were really lucky that the pipe was so thin; otherwise, the whole floor would be flooded in less than ten minutes. Fortunately, Dan has already finished cooking by the time this happened and was washing the dishes or there would be fire as well.

Phil’s feet were burnt and he was constantly covering them in a thick layer of gel. It was very painful, which led to him having to sleep with his blanket not covering anything down his calves. Another inconvenience was that, due to the amounts of gel that he had to put on his feet, Phil couldn’t really move around or he would stain all the carpets. However, he’s got a brilliant idea the day after the incident, so now he was walking around wearing those stickers on the bottom of his feet that people usually used while spray tanning.

It was 2:39 am and Phil found himself laying in bed and being unable to fall asleep. He had a certain thing on his mind that wasn’t letting him think about anything else for these past two days.

_“…You love them; I thought you would get really upset if something happened to them.”_

_I love you more than them._

There was nothing special about this thought of his because, obviously, he was more attached to Dan than to his houseplants. The thing that was keeping him up for the third night in a row was that he never uses the word “love”. It’s too powerful to say it to your friend, it’s too powerful to even _think_ this word with your friend’s name in one sentence. He adored Dan, he cared for Dan, that’s for sure, but he has never even thought something like that. The word “love” for Phil wasn’t something that he would use to describe any friendship, and that was worrying him.

Maybe he just got scared and it was the first thing to come to his mind? He thought about it and then instantly brushed that idea off because he was relatively calm when Dan said it.

Phil ran his fingers through his tangled hair and picked his phone up from the bedside drawer. His eyes were dry and tired but he still decided to watch some videos on Instagram. He wasn’t paying that much of attention, still thinking about the whole “love” thing but eventually, he decided to block his phone for a minute to give his eyes some rest. He fell asleep shortly after.

Despite Phil’s inability to move properly, not even talking about leaving their apartment, they still had some things that needed to be done. Martyn has been constantly reminding them that they had to talk about merch, so they’ve decided to have him over and finally get it out of the way.

Dan was currently making Phil’s brother some tea because he would be there in two minutes while Phil was sitting on the sofa watching some crappy reality show. He was listening to two girls arguing over a not-so-worthy guy when he heard something break in the kitchen. The recent events immediately flooded Phil’s mind, so he got up and rushed to the kitchen to make sure everything was okay.

“Dan?!” he exclaimed, mentally prepared to see his friend sprawled across the tiles with a tiny stream of blood running down his forehead as a result of it hitting the sharp edge of a counter. In reality, Dan just stood there with a mug handle in his fingers, staring at the crushed ceramic next to his feet. Phil couldn’t help but sigh with relief, scary images of injured Dan lying unconsciously fading away.

“I think the mug couldn’t take the heat. That part just fell off,” he pointed at the remains of the cup. Phil was glad that it was just a plain one that they both didn’t really care about.

“I’ll clean this up,” Phil blurted out, already beginning to bend down in order to collect all the sharp pieces.

“No, Phil,” Dan muttered with annoyance. “Go back to the living room, I’ve got it,” he added, already grabbing some pieces and tossing them into the bin.

Phil just silently walked out of the kitchen and sat back on the sofa, realizing just now that his foot started to sting. He looked down at it and saw that there was some blood coming out, so he grabbed a tissue and wiped it off before rubbing his eyes underneath the glasses.

In these two days, Phil became ridiculously over-protective. With every suspicious sound that he heard he immediately got up and basically started to run to make sure that everything was okay. Yesterday he even asked Dan if everything was fine when he spent over 40 minutes taking a bath, receiving an annoyed “yes, Phil” in response. He couldn’t blame his friend for reacting in this way because he would do the same thing but at the same time, he couldn’t stop. He was feeling himself like a person who had a kid with a very serious illness that was terminal, but in reality, he just was scared of the possibility of something happening to Dan.

Even when he was asleep, he would wake up in the middle of the night, shivering in panic with an image of his friend curled up on the chair and then getting electrocuted. It was annoying him as well but for some reason, he just kept going back to the thought of Dan not surviving the incident.

“Hi guys,” Martyn walked into the living room with a smile on his face. It was good that he had the spare key to their apartment because Dan was busy and Phil wasn’t supposed to move.

“Hey,” Phil smiled in response, patting the space next to him.

“Are you feeling okay, little brother?” Martyn asked, sitting down beside Phil and examining his feet.

“I’ve been better, you know.”

“Hi Martyn,” Dan walked in, carrying two mugs in his hands and handing them to Phil and his brother.

“Hi Dan,” he smirked, eyeing Dan as he returned back to the kitchen to grab his mug and a plate of biscuits. “I can’t believe that we are finally going to discuss the thing. For how long have I been asking you guys to do it? Two months?”

“You sound like mom,” Phil noted, sipping his tea. “Is this the one with rose petals and mango?” he turned his head slightly to face Dan who has now settled by Phil’s left side and was already nibbling on his biscuit.

They’ve spent the following hour talking about all the sales that they wanted to arrange for this year. They’ve established some generic ones and decided to save some dates for the time when all of the tour details would be more certain. After doing what they’ve originally planned, Dan and Martyn started to play Mario Kart while Phil chose to just watch them do so. They’ve ordered some pizza and Dan got up to get it, leaving Phil and Martyn alone.

“You seem tense. I’m not talking about you specifically, both of you. What’s wrong?” Martyn asked, looking directly at Phil. Phil had really wanted to talk to his brother and maybe get some advice but Dan’s footsteps were already approaching, so he just mouthed “later” before Dan walked in with three boxes of pizza.

They’ve stayed like that for two or three hours before Martyn decided that it was time to go home. They all hugged and Dan and Phil asked him to say hi to Cornelia and bring her along the next time he comes over. He smiled and said that he will, before giving Phil _a look_ and closing the door behind himself.

“Fancy some Overcooked?” Dan spoke to Phil when he finished cleaning the living room up.

“Yeah, sure,” he shrugged in response, lifting himself up and carefully stepping towards the stairs, trying not to touch anything with his feet covered in gel. Dan was ahead of him and he has already entered their gaming room when Phil was still walking down the stairs.

“Fuck!” there was a thud followed by Dan’s hurt voice. It was still dark in the room, so Phil couldn’t see him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked in his concerned voice at the same time with Dan turning the light on.

“Oh my god, Phil!” he growled in response, rolling his eyes. “You’re acting like you are my mom. I’m not fucking five!” Phil just stood there, drifting his eyes away and staring at the floor. “Nothing happened, I’m alright, now please stop watching my every move like I’m about to drop dead,” Dan huffed, clearly annoyed with Phil’s behaviour.

“You were,” Phil said quietly, still not looking at his friend.

“What?” Dan sounded puzzled, which gave Phil the realization that he was unaware of the very detail that had Phil acting like a security dog.

“You were about to drop dead,” he responded, tracing his fingers through his hair.

“What do you mean?”

“The water. It was electrolyzed. You were two centimetres away from being dead.”

The silence that filled the room was just as thick as the hot steam. They didn’t say a word – Dan processing the information and Phil reliving the moment when the screw went sparkling. Phil looked up and met Dan’s wide eyes accompanied by slightly parted lips. Phil just nodded and walked over to his chair because his feet started to hurt from all the pressure applied to them.

“Overcooked?” he asked casually, turning on the monitor of their PC.

“Yeah,” Dan said quietly and took his place beside Phil.

The reveal of the truly dangerous aspect was quickly put aside once they’ve started playing and neither of them brought it up. Phil was already lying in bed and scrolling through his phone in complete darkness when he received a message from Dan.

[we didn’t go to bed on an argument, right?]

Phil chuckled and typed a response:

[no, everything’s fine]

A few seconds after he hit “Send” he heard Dan knocking on his door three times before walking in.

“Hi,” said Phil, having no clue why did Dan wander into his room.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed after sitting down on Phil’s bed and facing him.

“Dan, that’s okay. I was being really over-protective; I am the one who should be apologizing.”

“No. I would go insane if something like that happened to you. I just… I didn’t know, I’m really sorry,” he placed his face in his hands. “Oh god, I could have died,” he mumbled in his palms, his fingers in his curls.

Phil looked at him for five seconds before lifting the duvet in inviting gesture. Dan’s eyes traced to Phil's with a hint of uncertainness but crawled under the duvet after receiving a reassuring smile.

“Thank you,” he whispered into Phil’s shoulder

“You’re welcome,” Phil whispered in response, tangling his fingers in Dan’s hair who has buried his head in a crease between his pillow and Phil’s arm.

 _I love you more than them._ Phil’s brain reminded him of the thought and he sighed deeply before finally closing his eyes.

 

_I love you more than them._


	9. Chapter 9

Phil woke up surrounded by the warmth of his sheets and something soft pressed to his right side. He turns his head just a bit and his lids lift up by three millimetres but it’s enough for him to see Dan, who’s snuggled closer to him, his soft cheek pressed against Phil’s shoulder, even breath tickling the skin ever slightly. He looked so peaceful and it was too early, so Phil didn’t dare to move. He opened his eyes wider, tracing them across Dan’s features: tiny freckles littered everywhere, thick puffy eyelashes that were touching his cheeks. He reminded Phil of those days many years ago when they both were so young and excited, constantly falling asleep together on Phil’s bed after goofing around since Phil’s parents were away and the house was empty.

_It was well past midnight and they both were lying underneath Phil’s checkered duvet, limbs tangled and breaths mixed because Phil’s twin size bed wasn’t an ideal choice for two tall men to sleep in. They have been playing all day, taking breaks only to go to the bathroom. Their backs were sore and it was too nice to finally sprawl across something really comfortable._

_They were laying in silence and it wasn’t like they really were in need of words. It happens once in one hundred years, Dan’s grandma told him, when people find each other in a way that they did. Sometimes, when Dan would pass him sugar when he had only thought about making coffee, the possibility of soulmates actually existing didn’t seem that crazy to Phil._

_Phil looks at Dan, trying to draw invisible lines that would connect all the constellations on his face, and Dan looks at Phil as if attempting to find the right answer to the question that he himself didn’t even know. When they lie like this, both of their worlds narrow to PhilPhilPhil or DanDanDan but they never dare to talk about it. Every time it’s so surreal and they both feel like what they have is so fragile that it’s better for it to remain untouched because no one would be able to glue the remaining pieces back together, not even themselves._

_Phil feels Dan’s hand move under the duvet before he lingers their pinkies together. Phil closes his eyes and nuzzles closer to Dan so he could connect their foreheads and noses. It was one of the weird things about them – they were always touching each other’s faces with their own ones._

_Dan sighs and Phil could feel him close his eyes by the gentle brush of his eyelashes against Phil’s cheeks.”Can you promise me something?” He whispers, his words barely audible._

_“Anything,” Phil whispers back, tightening the grip of his pinky around Dan’s own._

_“Promise me that no matter what we will remain friends,” Dan continues, gently moving his hand and intertwining their fingers. “No matter what we feel, no matter where we are, no matter how angry at each other we will be at some point, promise me to always be friends with me.”_

_“I promise,” Phil says tenderly._

_Dan pulls their hands up to his mouth and kisses one of Phil’s knuckles before falling asleep moments after, their hands still between their lips. It was a few minutes later when Phil realizes that Dan has left his kiss on Phil’s ring finger and it was a few months later when Phil realizes that he has also left Phil’s heart to himself._

_They were nineteen and twenty-three when Dan has goе_ _ten himself a girlfriend. He told Phil about it so casually as if he didn’t see him falling apart like he was a Jenga and Dan has pulled out the wrong block. Only he hasn’t. Dan stepped closer to him and pressed his forehead against Phil’s, his hand caressing his cheek ever so gently. Phil closes his eyes and breathes in, a faint flowery scent coming along Dan’s wooden one._

_“Promise?” Dan asks and it’s like they are both lying in Phil’s bed and it hurts so damn much to know that nothing has changed._

_“Promise,” Phil replies and he feels like his chest is on fire, like his ribs are reducing in volume and like his heart is being pulled out of his body leaving a stinging wound behind._

_Dan lets out his breath and Phil just lets go._

_Some people say that the world around you only exists when you keep your eyes open and there are moments late at night when Phil thinks that shooting stars should fly before his eyes more often._

Phil sighs and tries to keep his mind away from these memories that became so distant it feels like a chapter from some book that he doesn’t properly remember reading. He remembers his reaction to Dan’s words and can’t help to think that it was in some way deserved, even if he feels really bad about it. He has been keeping the promise that they have once made, respecting Dan and his friendship, accepting the fact that he would never have something that he knows by heart belongs to him. And there is Dan, years later, confessing his love to Phil when Phil had already forgotten what having unrepressed feelings felt like.

At first, it has been too much – too painful, too lonely, too angry, _too much_ , but then he just got over it. He hasn’t really but that was what he’d like to think, not wanting to stain what they have had with self-pity and longing for something unreachable. He thought that, after all, he had every single right to be mad. He had desperately tried to forget about his feelings and Dan has selfishly decided to unceremoniously bring them back.

However, his thoughts seemed to go away when he looked at peacefully sleeping beside him Dan.

They really needed to talk.

Phil gets up carefully and goes to take a shower, setting his mind on talking to Dan this evening.

It doesn’t happen the way Phil wanted it to. When they were having breakfast, they’ve got a call from PJ who, surprisingly, was inviting them to the club. It made much more sense when he mentioned that there would also be Anthony and Cat, who had arrived in London to participate in a convention that neither Dan nor Phil were interested in going to.

Obviously, Phil couldn’t go anywhere because of his feet but he has successfully persuaded Dan in going, saying that they were not, in fact, conjoined twins and they were socializing alarmingly rare. So, there they stood – Dan wearing his distressed black jeans and his new favourite black sweater and Phil wearing his pyjamas and stickers on his feet.

“Call me if something happens,” Phil says, his hand stretched out towards Dan holding his keys.

“Phil, I’m not going to a protest action or something like that, I’ll be just fine,” He says, taking the keys and putting his coat on.

“Dan.”

“Okay, I’ll call you if something happens,” He looks at Phil reassuringly before letting him close the door behind himself.

As soon as Phil sits down on a sofa, he feels a personalized vibration in his pocket.

“Hi, Martyn,” He says, adjusting himself to the sofa crease.

“Hi, little brother,” He hears Martyn speak. “Care for talking?”

Phil sighs deeply and rubs his eyes. He really thinks that soon he will forget how to breathe properly. “Yes, sure.”

Martyn has known about Phil’s struggles because he was the only one person left who could listen to him and give him a piece of advice or just a shoulder to cry on. Though, he didn’t know that Phil was nowhere near being over it and he still had no idea about Dan’s confession. If the second part is easily explainable due to the lack of time that Phil spends alone, so he wasn't able to call his brother and talk properly, the first part caught Martyn off guard.

“I thought it would eventually go away, you know,” Martyn said, support practically leaking through Phil’s dynamics.

“Yeah,” He said quietly. “I hoped it would too.”

There was a small pause, in which Phil was listening to his heart beat inside of his chest. It was a thing that he was finding strangely calming nowadays.

“You don’t sound happy. It means that everything’s okay now, doesn’t it?” Martyn’s voice sounded puzzled and Phil thought that it was a reflection of his feelings – puzzled, indeed.

“I really don’t know, Martyn.” He takes another long breath. “I want it to be.”

“You do understand that you need to talk regardless?” His brother asks after a second of thinking. “You can’t be mad at him for not being in love with you from the very beginning. It’s really not something that you can force.” He can hear the warm smile in Martyn’s voice. Sometimes it surprises him that his brother has a great amount of wisdom.

“I’m just not sure if I’m ready. It’s been too long,” he says, his voice coming down to a whisper.

“Close your eyes.” Phil does. “Picture him.”

Phil’s imagination draws Dan in front of him, smooth skin dotted with tiny caramel spots, his curls tight and soft, his scarlet lips lifted up in a slightly visible smile, rosy patch on his right cheek and his eyes carefully studying Phil’s own, almost like looking at a wild animal and hoping that it wouldn’t get scared.

“Are you still not sure?” Martyn asks and it takes a little too long for Phil to answer.

“No. I guess I am.”

It was around seven o’clock when they’ve ended their call which didn’t mean that Dan would be home soon, so Phil settled on their sofa in front of the TV, going through channels absentmindedly before he finds an episode of “The Cube” on ITV. Time passes too slowly and yet he feels a knot in his stomach. He didn’t get any messages from Dan or anyone else, so he assumed that they all were having fun.

Originally, Phil was planning on waiting for Dan to come home but his eyes were too tired and Dan probably was going to be too drunk for holding a serious conversation, so he decided to drink a glass of water before going to bed.

Once he filled the glass with liquid, he heard a noise from somewhere around their door, so he decided to go and greet Dan and, if lucky, ask him about the evening. He got closer to the door and stopped in confusion. He was almost sure that he heard an unfamiliar voice but then just assumed that Dan’s voice was simply affected by the amount of alcohol consumed this night, so he continued walking. He had stopped right in front of the turn when he thought that he heard two voices.

As if on command, two men stumbled down the hall. One of them was Dan and another one was tall, fit man with fair hair, broad chest and shoulders, who was holding Dan’s waist and whispering something in his ear. They both were moving down the hallway, completely unaware of Phil’s presence, until they’ve heard the sound of shattering glass. Phil didn’t understand at first where did that come from but then he realized that it must have slipped out of his hand.

The other man locked his grey eyes with Phil, his expression seemingly drunk, and asked something. Phil was staring at his face, his brain and body numb, realizing that he was being talked to but at the same time not hearing a single word. Then there was an illegible moan from Dan, after which they both disappeared in a way of Dan’s bedroom, leaving Phil to stand there, his feet bleeding from the shattered glass and his chest bleeding from the shattered heart.


	10. Chapter 10

Phil just stood there, in a dim light of their hallway, unable to move. His mind went blank and it was like his feet united with the floor, making him stand there like a lifeless statue with the only exception of his trembling hands. His glance fell down to the shattered glass, water surrounding it. He felt a certain burning sensation, usually accompanied by the process of suffocation, and tried to remind himself how to breathe. Now he understood that it was a really difficult thing to do and now there was no wonder why it took so much time for Dan to calm down in his worst moments.  He felt like he got punched in his gut on a thought of Dan’s name but decided to ignore it. He decided to ignore everything that has already built up inside of him and wasn’t going to stop, so he turned off his brain and turned on his autopilot mode.

He didn’t remember how he managed to pick up every single piece of glass and throw it away; he didn’t remember how he found himself in his own bed. The last conscious thing that he did before his mind and body completely shut down was cover his head with his pillow, so he couldn’t hear all those sounds that he supposed would be coming from Dan’s bedroom.

When Phil opened his eyes the following day, he was surprised that he woke up. It felt like he was run over by a monster truck and should be lying in a coma on a hospital bed, not underneath his duvet. His brain wasn’t properly working for the first ten minutes of him being awake, thoughts coming and going with a speed of old syrup that has already been partly caramelized for decades.

Consciousness went back to him too soon for his liking. Previous night stood up in front of his eyes, a strange man holding Dan’s waist, both drunk and stumbling towards Dan’s bedroom. He felt like his ceiling all of a sudden decided to lower itself down to his chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

He thought that he was angry but he wasn’t feeling it. In all honesty, it rather didn’t make sense. He was very aware of the fact that Dan had confessed to him, yet for some reason went for a one night stand. Dan himself didn’t make sense. How was it possible for someone to love one person and sleep with another one, with a complete stranger? Maybe Phil didn’t understand something. Maybe Dan was a polygamist and it was, apparently, the thing that he does? There was no other explanation for this.

_He asked you to forget about his words._ Phil was surprised that humans couldn’t die from feelings because if he didn’t know better he’d assume that it was happening. _He didn’t mean what he said. He asked you to forget because he has mistaken his feelings._ Right.

It wasn’t fair, not really. All these years of repressed feelings, trying to bury his unrequited love alive, accepting not having any chance and then being confessed to.  He had already forgotten how he felt, although not because he didn’t feel anything anymore – because he had forgotten how he was feeling before. He thought that maybe, _maybe_ it was his time, he released everything that was carefully hidden and dusted inside of him – all for nothing. It just really wasn’t fair. It was like when you get promised your only wish, your most desperate desire to be granted and then you watch this absolutely exclusive thing being given to someone else. Phil closed his eyes and fell back asleep, hoping that he would wake up a few days earlier, so he could talk to Dan when he still had time.

The next time he woke up when he heard three careful knocks on his door and Dan came in. It was probably far past midday, otherwise, they wouldn’t check on each other. He opened his eyes wide enough for Dan to realize that he was awake and then closed them again, feeling too tired to keep his eyelids open.

He felt hid mattress sink right next to him under Dan’s weight when he spoke. “Are you okay?” The best Phil could do was to shake his head, praying to all gods to make Dan leave so he could sleep a bit more and emotionally recover before the conversation that he knew he needed to have. He felt Dan get up and heard him leave the room, the lack of sound he was making quite surprising Phil. He thought that he would let him rest, but then he heard him come back in and sit somewhere down his legs.

Phil opened his eyes to look at him when he felt something cold touch his foot. His gaze travelled in Dan’s direction and he saw him, concern and concentration in his expression. He was taking care of Phil’s damaged skin and it certainly didn’t help the ache in his heart. Dan’s motions were so soft and careful, avoiding all the little cuts from the previous night. He didn’t ask anything and he was being so gentle that for a split second Phil forgot the reason why he was in his bed this late. However, it didn’t last long, and he fell asleep again with a pressure of self-pity pushing him down.

He really didn’t know that sleeping was his coping mechanism. It was ridiculous how long he wasn’t awake today. Now Phil was walking towards their kitchen to make himself some tea. It was dark everywhere, which meant that Dan was either in his room or out. _Out with that guy_. Phil winced at his own thought and continued walking down the hallway.

He has lost the sense of time and simply had no idea if it was evening or late night because every single curtain was down. He reached the kitchen, turned the light on and put some water in their kettle to boil. For some reason, it was weird thinking of things as “their”. It didn’t happen when Dan was with his girlfriend but, for some reason, it was happening now. It was like Phil’s mind has already prepared him for living on his own after Dan leaves. He grinned sadly, thinking that he probably should visit his cardiologist because it definitely wasn’t normal for a heart to hurt this bad. He remembered Dan’s tweet about the biological explanation of this phenomenon back when they had to live separately and almost started laughing insanely at the irony of this.

Phil stood up from a stool he’s been sitting on and walked towards the kitchen counter. He grabbed a mug that was sitting on it and poured some tea into it. The tea was now three days old but he couldn’t care less, pouring hot liquid into the mug. His mind went somewhere else, his hands wrapped around the hot ceramic, and he didn’t hear Dan coming, only acknowledging his footsteps when he was two meters away from him. He didn’t bother to turn, afraid of breaking down right there, still not being able to get over the fact that, despite all the longing, Dan wasn’t his and wasn’t going to be.

“Hey,” Dan whispered and Phil thought that the person who would wake up and fall asleep to this sound was unbelievably lucky.

“Hey,” He whispered in response, still facing the wall in front of him, hands holding the untouched mug.

“What are you upset about?” Dan asked, stepping a little bit closer. Phil didn’t respond, so he asked again. “Is it about Tim?”

Phil’s muscles involuntarily twitched, giving him away. Dan breathed out and he could swear that he could hear a smile in his breath. He felt Dan’s hand touch his arms, applying little pressure, enough for him to understand that Dan wanted him to turn around. Yes, Phil was acting ridiculous, but he wasn’t five, so he turned, fingers finally leaving the mug.

“Phil, Tim is my childhood friend,” Dan began, a smile appearing on his face when Phil’s head soot up, their eyes connecting with each other. “He just took me home from the club.” Dan’s hands taking Phil’s. “He left right after he made sure I was in bed. Nothing happened.”

Phil’s heart was pounding, eyes wide with disbelief. He didn’t know what to say, so he just stared back at Dan, not even bothering to deny that _yes, he was having an emotional breakdown over Dan’s friend taking him home._ Dan lifted their hands to his mouth and started to kiss each one of Phil’s fingertips, which were marked with tiny cuts from picking up sharp glass and not really thinking about safety. Phil was watching him touch every finger with his lips, reminding himself to take breaths when needed to.

He still didn’t say a word but it wasn’t necessary. Dan left his hands, tracing his fingers over Phil’s cheekbones. “Stop me if you want.”

Phil’s gaze fell onto Dan’s lips instead of his eyes, watching them get closer so slow that he could count every single millimetre separating them. He looked back up, right when Dan’s eyes, fixed on his lips, began to close. He was giving Phil time to back up and he was giving too much of it, so Phil was started to think if it really was a good idea. Maybe they should talk first, _they need to talk first._ He was about to place his palm on Dan’s chest but it didn’t happen because he felt their lips touch.

It was so feather-likely, barely there, and it made him feel like they were still lying in bed, hundreds of kilometres away from London, surrounded by warmth and darkness of his bedroom. He didn’t have enough time to respond before Dan pulled away, his expression timid and unsure like he was waiting for Phil to shout at him again. He didn’t, instead leaning forward and connecting their lips again.

He felt Dan release his breath, his hand sliding down Phil’s jaw and pairing with another one, holding lightly around Phil’s neck. Phil’s arms wrapping around Dan’s waist, pulling him closer. They kiss for a couple of minutes before they pull away.

“So, me being in love with you is not a problem?” Dan whispers into Phil’s lips, his fingers tangled in jet black hair.

“No. It’s never been.” Phil says before kissing him again.

They still need to talk and later on, they would laugh at how messed up everything was, but now there are only _PhilPhilPhil_ and _DanDanDan_ and it’s the only unspoken promise that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, there's that.
> 
> I'm not really happy with this ending but I couldn't think of anything else, sorry if you're disappointed.  
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Moral of the story: always talk to people about things that concern you, especially if it involves them (no, seriously)
> 
> P.S.: I'm starting to work on a new story, it's about Dan being a waiter in LA and he meets Phil because the Lesters decided to switch Florida to California this time. It's going to be quite angsty, so if you're interested - check my profile around the 4th or 5th of February maybe?  
> P.P.S.: If you wanna ask any questions, rant about dnp, discuss "birthday philussy" (I am still in physical pain) or send me a meme - here's my [Tumblr](http://kategkateg.tumblr.com/)


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